Letterbox Update

I last wrote about Letterbox back in September when I was trying to figure out how to send our first letter (see First Experience of Letterbox). At the time I was struggling to get hold of Little Bear’s Social Worker to get the information I needed. Nevertheless the letters were written and sent off.

After a week or so I e-mailed to check they had arrived safely. Getting a response was tricky as always and I e-mailed several more times before we got confirmation that they had been received by Social Services.

The next thing I wanted to ensure was that they actually found their way to Little Bear’s birth family. I could just imagine them knowing to expect a letter around September time and waiting with nervous anticipation each time the postman came. I didn’t trust the Social Worker in question to get the letter to them in a timely fashion and I felt strongly that it wasn’t fair. This would be Sian and Joseph’s (my blog name for Little Bear’s birth parents) first contact since Little Bear had been adopted and I felt it was an important one.

I have been nagging and nagging like a stubborn puppy for 7 months now without a response (other than an out of office or a promise of doing it next week). This is all I have wanted to know:

  • Had Little Bear’s birth parents and siblings received their letters?
  • What was the response?
  • Would we be getting a reply? If not, what support would Little Bear’s birth parents be getting?

Finally, after A LOT of perseverance on our part and that of our Social Worker, we have finally had a response. Sian and Joseph HAVE received their letter. I don’t know how they are or what impact the letter had on them. They have sent a birthday card to Little Bear though and in it they wrote a little note. It says they are sorry they haven’t written: they cannot find the words. I can understand that totally. At least they have attempted some communication with us even if just to explain that they can’t manage more. I am wondering what we could do to make it easier for them next time.

They also wrote that they are pleased Little Bear is loved as much as they love him. I felt when we got The Adoption Order and they went to court but didn’t contest it that Sian and Joseph were somehow giving us permission to be Little Bear’s parents. I feel this more strongly now. As weird as it may sound, it feels as though there is the start of a positive bond between us. We would still like to meet them if that ever becomes an option.

We have also received a letter from the long-term foster carers of some of Little Bear’s siblings. I suspect it was written several months ago, in direct reply to our letter but has been mysteriously buried somewhere on Little Bear’s Social Worker’s desk for quite some time. It is a nice letter and we can tell that the boys are well cared for and thriving in the placement which is reassuring. The Social Worker wasn’t able to give me an update on the other siblings so I have asked for one.

I find it quite tricky knowing how much I can ask and what sort of information they are allowed to share with us. It makes sense to me that we should know something, at least whether they are settled because we might need to know what has gone on for them if anything changes in the future. And, whether it makes sense or not, I do care about them and want to know that they are okay. I know we have never met them but as their brother is now our son, there is an undeniable link between us.

I also find the time delay in receiving everything difficult. It would feel very strange and conspicuous to present Little Bear with his birthday card several months after his birthday. He knows it isn’t his birthday now so receiving a card from his birth family would seem a lot more normal if it arrived at the same time as the rest of his birthday post.

I think on this occasion we will need to put the card and letters away in his box for when he’s older, not least because Sian and Joseph have signed the card “Mum and Dad” again. We have already spoken with his Social Worker about this and asked that they use their first names to be consistent with the Life Story Book and to minimise confusion. I don’t blame Sian and Joseph for this: I rather suspect the Social Worker has avoided speaking with them about it. I also suspect she generally avoids them and they won’t have had any support in coping with their grief or support in communicating with us. I do wonder how it would be if we could “cut out the middle man” but there are obvious difficulties with that.

It isn’t long now until this year’s official Letterbox season and like last year I’m feeling strangely keen to write. I am only hoping that this time it won’t result in another 7 months of pestering to make the right things happen. I thought we had agreed to writing once per year, not spending nigh on a year trying to organise it.

 

Letterbox Update

Support Networks in Adoption

There is good reason why a significant amount of time is spent checking out your support network during the assessment phase of the adoption process. It’s because, well, you really need one.

We are very lucky because the boys have 3 grandparents and they all live close by. They are certainly the key players in our support network. They have provided emotional support every step of the way through the adoption process.

Grizzly’s Mum had to come with us for introductions because we were staying far from home and we needed help with Big Bear who wasn’t meeting Little Bear straight away. As introductions were very stressful and eventful for us, we leaned fairly heavily on her for emotional and practical support. Meanwhile, my parents were in constant text/phone contact and made sure we had food in the fridge to come back to.

Once we were back, the grandparents tried hard to stay away until we felt Little Bear was ready to meet them. During that time they continued to check in and make sure Grizzly and I were ok. They brought food, took away washing and were on hand to give Big Bear a bit of quality 1:1 time whenever his new brother got a bit too much for him.

As time has gone on and Little Bear has formed bonds with them, the grandparents have been instrumental in our childcare arrangements. Sometimes they have taken one Bear out so that we could spend quality time with the other one. We always swap over another day so that they both get the same. Sometimes they have looked after them both so that I could do practical things like go to work or get us ready for holidays. They have received several phone calls asking for unplanned child care help when I have needed to be in two places at the same time e.g. take one to school and the other to the doctor or when I have needed to be in a meeting and Grizzly has been stuck in traffic. They are basically always there, at the end of the phone and will unquestioningly appear if we need their help. We are very lucky because not everybody has parents on hand and have to rely on friends or neighbours for this type of help.

Having a reliable source of childcare available is crucial for adoption to work in my opinion. Sometimes you need a break. Sometimes you and your partner need to get out of the house on your own and have a bit of grown up time.  It helps you to be better at the parenting bits.

Early on in our adoption, we had some support from the Centre for Adoption Support. We had some consultations with a very experienced post-adoption support worker. We were able to speak with her openly about our worries over Little Bear’s behaviour and sleep issues. I remember her asking me if Grizzly and I were getting out enough. I don’t think we had been out at all at that point. She told us we should and that even if we came home and both boys were crying and so were the grandparents, it wouldn’t matter because we would have been out! Her directness meant that we felt able to do just that and not worry too much about how things were at home. Thankfully nobody was crying in the event and we have tried to get out on our own every now and again since.

We have also drawn on support from our friends, both locally and further away. I think the biggest thing we have asked of them is their understanding and acceptance. We have not asked directly but through our choice to adopt and through trying to stay in touch with them and do normal everyday things with them. In the early days this meant them having to accommodate routines we were sticking to rigidly and dealing with any behaviour meltdowns they might witness. It is with credit to our friends that they have just got on with it and accepted Little Bear for who he is right from the start. They have welcomed him into the fold as they would a new-born baby.

I have used several friends as a listening ear at times (you don’t want to keep harping on at the same person!), mainly to regale them with tales of what he’s done now but sometimes because something is worrying me and I need to talk it over. I’m lucky to know other Speech and Language Therapists, an OT and teachers, who I do approach for more specific advice if I need it.

Finally, another source of support for me is other adopters. Usually there are issues we have in common and I find the online adoption community very friendly and supportive. If you are having one of those days or you aren’t sure how to get the wee smell out of school shoes or you want some tips on helping Little Bear to count when you feel you have tried everything, there is always somebody out there in the Twittersphere who will respond, advise and reassure.

I have previously written about the support provided to us by our social worker. You can read that blog post here: Our Social Worker

Support Networks in Adoption

First Experience of Letterbox

I can remember, ages ago, sitting in a review meeting agreeing we would send our Letterbox letter in September each year. I can also remember asking if we would be reminded and someone half laughing at me and telling me quite clearly that remembering was my responsibility. Henceforth “September” and “Letterbox” have been etched on my mental blackboard.

As the summer holidays drew to a close I was conscious that September was fast approaching and began mentally writing said letter. In doing so I realised I had absolutely no idea how to go about sending my letter. Was there a specific format I should follow? Were there any rules on envelopes or labelling? Where did I actually send it to?

I duly e-mailed Little Bear’s Social Worker to find out.

As with all correspondence in that direction, a reply took a while to materialise. Reading between the lines no formal Letterbox arrangement has actually been set up, despite us and Little Bear’s birth parents agreeing to one. I’m not too sure what would have happened if I hadn’t chased it… Nothing?

Anyhow, we have an interim plan for this year until the case is formally allocated to a worker at some unknown point in the future.

I can also remember, some months ago, agreeing that we would be willing to receive birthday cards and the like from birth parents and siblings and that instead of them sitting in the social work case file, we would use our discretion over whether to share them with Little Bear now or keep them safe for the future ourselves. Nothing materialised so I assumed nothing had been sent.

However, my recent e-mail regarding Letterbox has evidently nudged somebody into action and the cards that were sent have now been “found”.

Little Bear’s Social Worker said she would forward them to us along with a card from one of his siblings. She reported that his Social Worker has been doing some Life Story work with him as he is finding it difficult to get his head around Little Bear being adopted. She felt it would help if he could send his card to Little Bear and we could acknowledge its safe receipt in our Letterbox contact.

I really feel for Little Bear’s siblings – it must be so strange for them that their plan is long term foster care and that just one of their siblings has been adopted. I wonder how that makes them feel. Of course we could accept the card if that would help.

The Social Worker also asked us if we would receive cards from some other more distant relatives. We drew the line at that because we had never agreed to Letterbox with anyone other than birth parents and siblings and we had no idea who these people were. We felt she probably shouldn’t have accepted these cards in the first place.

At the weekend the package arrived. As much as I know that contact with Little Bear’s birth family is important and that it will benefit him in the future and that we are lucky they are engaging with it, I have to be honest and say that I find it unsettling. I think it’s because seeing their writing and the cards they have chosen (and touching something that they too have touched) is a very tangible reminder that they DO exist.

Obviously they do exist. I knew there would be “other” parents in the mix when I signed up to adoption. I knew there was likely to be some level of contact with them. I agreed/agree that there should be. It’s just, for adoption to really work, you need to start seeing this new addition as yours: your own child. And I do. Little Bear feels very much like he’s mine. When a child is yours and you love them and plan to be their parent forever, you don’t then really want to think about them being somebody else’s. That is the paradox for me. When that letter drops onto the mat you are immediately reminded that your child was not always yours and it is disquieting.

I have never been more suspicious of an envelope. It lay on the worktop, unopened, taunting me for the best part of a day before I could extricate myself from the boys long enough to open it in private.

The cards had been carefully chosen, with wording hinting at seeing Little Bear again. They were signed “mummy and daddy” which did nothing to assuage my unsettled feelings. My instinct was that it was an inappropriate way to sign the cards, given the circumstances, although I could understand why they had. I handed them to Grizzly later without saying anything and he separately drew the same conclusion. In his short lifetime, Little Bear has had 3 mummies and 3 daddies. That is extremely confusing and gives him a very skewed idea of what a mummy or daddy is.

We have put the cards safely away and have contacted the Social Worker again to ask that birth parents refer to themselves as such or by their first names. That is how they are referred to in the Life Story book. I’m sure they won’t like it and I’m sorry for that but my priority has to be Little Bear. His life has been confusing enough already.

We decided to give the card from his sibling to Little Bear. This was not a straightforward decision for several reasons. Firstly, Little Bear doesn’t yet realise that he has a birth family. Full stop. He had contact with them until shortly before we began introductions but I’m not sure that anybody explained who they were and when I’ve shown him the Life Story book he doesn’t show any recognition of them. Secondly, I feel it’s too soon to announce “this came from your brother” (one of the ones you don’t know about yet) because Little Bear hasn’t got the language ability to understand the complex explanation I would have to give or to ask the multitude of questions he would surely have. However, we knew there would be a danger in not starting this type of work yet and I did want to honour the wishes of his sibling. In the end we concluded that we would give it him and say it came from X (the name of his brother) then show him who that was in the Life Story book. Hopefully this would begin to make his sibling’s names familiar and would lay the groundwork for future conversations.

In order for this plan to work, I would need Big Bear to know about it otherwise he would blurt out something different and we’d be in a pickle. Therein lay another difficult conversation.

Big Bear didn’t originally know that Little Bear had any siblings. After a while it started to feel like a Thing: a secret Thing that shouldn’t actually be a secret so we told him. Big Bear was pretty nonplussed about it and said very little. It was quite an unusual response from him as he’s very chatty and enquiring. Perhaps he would reflect on it and ask more questions later we though. But he didn’t. I knew he wouldn’t have forgotten though as he never forgets anything.

When the package arrived I explained to him as casually as possible what was in it and how we were planning to handle it. His reaction was, again, minimal. This time though I could tell it was because talking about Little Bear’s siblings was making him feel uncomfortable. He confessed to Grizzly that it “made him feel weird”. He couldn’t find a way to verbalise it further but I think I get it.

We have all put so much effort into developing a good relationship between our 2 bears. Big Bear has had to really put himself out there and allow himself to accept having a sibling and then learn to trust him. That trust has built and strengthened and cemented their brotherly bond. Big Bear has allowed himself to love his brother and is very proud of him. Big Bear feels that Little Bear is HIS brother. Like me he has that sense of ownership. It is very hard for him to hear that Little Bear is anyone else’s brother. I suspect that receiving the post from the siblings put Big Bear on the back foot, making his position as Big Brother feel usurped.

This adoption business is complicated.

Anyhow, after considering all angles and having had all our difficult chats, we gave the card to Little Bear. He was very pleased to get his own post, especially as it was covered in stickers. He showed zero recognition when I said who it was from and thought I meant a boy from his school. I showed him the Life Story book and he went back to watching TV.

On this occasion I think Little Bear has been the least affected by the contact with his birth family. I’m sure at some point, in the not too distant future, that will change.

I have left the card up on the shelf in case he wants to ask anything or look at it again but he has paid it zero attention.

What remains is for me to actually write our Letterbox contributions. I have begun and I’ve found it pretty challenging. I can’t help but try to put myself in his siblings and birth parent’s shoes. It is difficult to fully get inside their heads though as I can’t imagine my children going to live somewhere else or being in circumstances where I would allow that to happen. I think I would want a positive (but not braggy) letter about my child being happy, healthy and enjoying themselves. I think I’d want to know they were progressing but might find too much talk of their delays accusatory.

I probably need to stop overthinking it and just write it. Grizzly will ruthlessly edit it and then I can wait with baited breath for the next emotionally loaded envelope to arrive…

First Experience of Letterbox